SEPTEMBER 3

It is hard for me to accept that a woman, whom I love so much, can have feelings for another man. It does not make any sense to me. I think about nothing but her, and, somehow, she manages to seldom think of me.

SEPTEMBER 4

Autumn has come and the trees are dropping their leaves upon the ground. I, too, feel that my leaves are changing color and falling from me. I do not know if you can remember the common farmer from Walheim I once mentioned in a letter. Well, I managed to find him a few days ago and he told me that he had lost his job and that no one in town would speak to him. His story is quite meaningful to me, so I want to share it with you.

When we first began to talk, he seemed a little shy. After a while, however, he began to feel more comfortable with me and then spoke more Openly about himself, until finally he told me everything. It is too bad that I cannot communicate to you clearly his deep feelings as he spoke. It was truly moving. It seems that after meeting me, his desire for the woman he loved continued to grow stronger and stronger, until he no longer could control himself. He lost all desire to eat and at night he could only lie in bed staring at the ceiling. His mind was so filled with thoughts of her that he began to forget the orders of his boss.

One afternoon, he saw the woman go to the second floor of her home. Without thinking, he also went up the staircase. When he approached her and expressed his feelings she would not listen to him. It upset him so much that he grabbed hold of her in a rough way. He could not remember clearly what happened after that, however, he said that he did not mean to hurt her. He had only wanted to be her husband, so that they could be together for the rest of their lives. Then he seemed a little uncomfortable as he told me that the woman began to ask him to do things to her that he did not want to do. He clearly felt guilty and embarrassed for her. Still, however, he said that his love for her was as strong as ever before.

It must be obvious to you why this story is so interesting to me. I understand this man's suffering.

But I have not told you the ending yet. Not long after that, the woman began to distance herself from this fellow, because her brother was attempting to persuade her to dismiss the man. It seems that the brother did not want her to get married again. He feared that her new husband would spend her money and then nothing would be left for his (the brother's) own children. Anyway, she eventually dismissed the fellow and soon hired a new servant. Now, it is said that the same problem has started all over again with the new man. The brother wants him dismissed, as well, because it seems the woman is developing a romance with the man. The poor fellow telling me the story said that he could not live to see her marry another man, especially when he had come so close to having her for himself.

I am afraid that I have told the story very badly. If only you could have heard the fellow speak, you would have been deeply moved.

It is important that you read this story carefully and understand it well, for my own story is not different. Most people read about love in poetry and feel that it is something unreal. However, this story is proof of the existence of such love. Writing this, letter has helped me to feel a little better today. I only wish that I had half the strength of that poor man I have just written about.

SEPTEMBER 5

By chance, I read a letter Charlotte had written to her husband, who is currently away on business. In the letter were the words: "How I miss you, my love. I cannot wait for you to re turn." The letter was never sent, because she received news that her husband was going to be leaving for a different place. She saw me smile while reading the letter. "Why do you laugh?" she asked. "I was just pretending that these words were meant for me," I replied. She seemed unhappy with this. I said nothing more.

SEPTEMBER 12

She was away for a few days visiting Albert. Today, however, I happily found her at home. When she got up from her chair to greet me, a small bird flew from its cage and landed on her shoulder. "We got him for the children," she said, raising her hand for him to jump upon. "He's very sweet. Watch how he gives me kisses!" I watched as the bird put its mouth against hers. "Now he will give you one, as well," she said bringing the bird close to my lips. He removed his mouth from hers and then came over to me. He pressed his beak to my mouth, and I wanted to thank him for bringing this moment between she and I, for it was the closest we had ever come to a kiss.

"He seems hungry," I said.

"I like to feed him from my mouth." She took a seed and placed it between her lips. The bird then jumped over to her and took the seed. I had to look away, for my heart was beating very quickly. She should not do such things in front of me. She knows the feelings that I have for her.

OCTOBER 10

How happy it makes me to look into her eyes! Albert, however, does not seem as happy to be with her as I would be if I were in his ... Well, you know what I am trying to say.

OCTOBER 19

I feel a great emptiness in my heart! I wish that I could just hold her one time, then the emptiness in my heart would be filled.

OCTOBER 26

Our lives are all so unimportant. I have grown more certain of this lately. While looking through a book in her small library, I overheard a conversation between Charlotte and a friend of hers. The conversation was quite simple. They talked about the people in town. It seemed that someone was quite sick, possibly dangerously sick. "I heard that N is also ill," said Charlotte. "Yes, he's doing very badly," replied the friend. I could see these people they were talking about in my mind suffering terribly as they tried to fight off death. It made me very sad to hear these two women talking about the dying in such a careless way. Their voices were so empty of feeling. It was as if they were talking about nothing important.

I am writing this letter in her library now. I wonder to myself: What do I mean to her? What do I mean to my friends? Will people talk about me in such a cold way after I die? I have good friends, whom I occasionally make happy. Will they feel my absence when I am gone? Will they only miss me for a short time and later forget about me? So easily and quickly do people disappear from this world. After they are gone, it is as though they never existed.

OCTOBER 27

Oh, it nearly drives me mad that I cannot make others feel the way I feel. I have such a deep desire for this woman, and yet she cannot feel the same. It is simply not within her. I have so many abilities and talents; however, this love I feel prevents me from using them. There is nothing I can do about it. I am useless as long as she is not mine.

OCTOBER 30

Every time I am with her, I want to take her into my arms. It is natural for people to want to touch the things that they see, especially the beautiful things. Look at the way children behave in stores of any kind. I am not different.

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